Dear Diary:
I had a conversation with my dad yesterday and he was trying to think of all the possible reasons for my lay off–what if I had gone to a different law school? gone with a different law firm (I had four firms I was considering)? moved to the market in the state where my parents lived? been a better little monkey? picked a different practice area? (that’s a joke…do we really get to “pick?”)
It was an aggravating conversation since he was highlighting every mistake (or everything he considered a mistake) he thought I made since high school that might have resulted in my current situation (and the fact that I wasn’t taking my lay off as hard as him was probably the most disconcerting thing to him).
But I was unhappy in BigLaw. I will admit it. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid or not as strong or savvy as those who are happy. Many people are unhappy in their jobs in every profession. Yes, I had a good pay check, but, I felt like the person in the picture above (notice, that the people aren’t chained, only the treasure chest). Unhappy and so close to escaping the tunnel to frolic in the sunlight but I couldn’t let go of the money. But it wasn’t just the money. It was the “prestige.” It was the fact that my colleagues were a bit jealous when I told them where I worked or how much I made (well, I actually never told people how much I made because that’s tacky) but they assumed I made a shitload and a shitload I made indeed (well, relatively to other lawyers and for what I was doing. But the really rich people in NYC made me look like a pauper).
Have we become that one dimensional that our career is all that defines us and those around us? Is that how we determine not only the worth of our colleagues and peers, but ourselves as well? For those who were in BigLaw and unhappy, what a sad thing that your yard stick for whether you succeeded in life or not is something that, even if you measure up to, still brings you unhappiness.
Life is a marathon, not a sprint. The people who may still have jobs at top firms, might, in 10-20 years, be unhappily married with high cholesterol and children who call them by their first name (and no one’s really sure whose kid it is because The Wife has had many male “friends” the kids call “Uncle”). They also might get the boot tomorrow. Do you think the partners that were let go thought that was going to happen to them 10-20 years ago when they were little associates? I’m sure some partners felt they were ahead of their classmates when they made partner only to now find their partner asses out on the street, middle aged or older, less hair, more fat, and with more responsibilities. Or they may be the happiest and most content people out of all of us. Those of us who are laid off might find a profession better suited for them. Or might be depressed alcoholic who sleeps on benches in Central Park. You never know. (This reminds me of that Shinyung Oh–the remarkable woman who was laid off from Paul Hastings after a miscarriage and her blog: Because You Never Know).
We gotta quit thinking that our lay offs are end points, especially young associates (and those who still have jobs need to quit thinking they are “ahead” of those who were laid off).
When the race you run is 65 years or more long, calling the result 25-35 years in makes you look like a jackass.
Some people may say to keep your chin up because this is just a set back. But what is the goal from which this is setting you back? I think most of us don’t really have an idea of what that goal is. Is it really a set back? Or just a turn in the road?
It’s so easy to have taken the path we did. Major in some bullshit liberal arts degree, whack through the LSAT for a few hours, get into a good law school, study two weeks before each final for an OPEN BOOK final, be wined and dined for two summers, wear nice suits and have the little numbers in our bank account go up and up…. but through all of this, did most of us actually stop and think about what we WANT to do? what our GOAL is?
Let’s be honest with ourselves. The path we took into BigLaw was the easiest path we could have taken without any soul searching. Yes, it was sorta hard to get there in the sense you couldn’t be a complete jackass and had to try a bit at school, get on law review and memorize those stupid markings (can someone explain to me the thought process of how “#” equals a space?), but really, did you really think about what you wanted to do with your life and about what makes you happy or content? what makes your life meaningful? How many of us lied on our law school application as to why we wanted to go to law school? How many of us didn’t really know but just put something down we thought the school wanted to hear? How many people actually meant what they wrote AND are living it?
To make things more unpredictable, everything in life is half-chance. Sure, you might have planned that you were going to go to Harvard undergrad and Yale law school and be on law review and work at Wachtell, but chance still plays a large part in your life and who you’ve become and the experiences you’ve had and where you’ll go.
If Newton can conjure up the idea of gravity because an apple fell on his head (as the story goes) because he chanced to be there, then maybe an apple or two will fall for me and you and provide inspiration for the next stage of our lives. I’m not saying we should wait around for an apple to fall on us. I’m saying that you never know where life will lead us and what new things will come along to provide us inspiration.
–time to take the path less taken
p.s. sorry if this post is sorta warm and fuzzy but don’t be disappointed, I still harbor a certain hate for the wide spread douchery that is found in BigLaw.
*Posted May 5, 2009
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Your writing is horrid. Don't quit your day job.
Oh wait….
oooh SNAP. that was very witty. I have been outwitted by a guy named "ZZP". You sure showed me.
I like how honest you are. Don’t listen to the haters.
I think lawyers aren't used to being honest…especially to themselves!
Keep going strong with your solo practice. I graduated from a reputable law school in May only to be left unemployed 6 months later. I have a JD with an excellent GPA and yet I am substitute teaching until I pass the bar. You're not alone! But like you said, this experience has forced me to soul search and decide what I really want, rather than what society thinks is appropriate for me.
Everything happens for a reason. Remember that as you claw your way back to the top! At the top of that mountain I think instead of $$$$, you'll find happiness in the form of changing other people's lives for the better; people who you would not have helped had you stayed in BigLaw.
Well if your writing is bad mine must be atrocious. I liked that fatherly advice, wisdom, fear, lecture – whatever it was. Just like a dad we just can’t help ourselves. I can never figure out why trouble come but it is a fact they do.
I like your positive angry attitude.
yes, no one says you can't be both positive and angry! muchas gracias, senor!
Not to get too introspective, but I find it helpful and sometimes invigorating to stop and think about where I've been, where I am, and where I would like to go. Good luck as you continue your journey, counselor.
I completely agree!
Don't listen to the haters . . . I've been enjoying your blog for months now . . .