Dear Diary:
When I was laid off, as I mentioned in a previous post, my first feeling was one of relief. Why? Partly because most of the partners were assholes and the associates were suck up douches but mainly because I spent the last few years in BigLaw whittling myself down and away.
I was under constant pressure to be someone else, to act a different way, be perceived a different way- basically training myself not to be me. I became two different people- who i was at work and at home -then the lines started to blur. And I was still unceremoniously shown the door despite all my masquerading. If I had been myself, I think I still would have been laid off mainly for my innate dislike for GAM (aka the Man) ( though I loved His money) but I would have had a much more fun time being a corporate monkey….
When I got laid off, I promised myself I wouldn’t ever be in a situation willingly where I couldn’t be myself. Of course if I were on the stand for a criminal charge after streaking drunk down the halls of my former law firm, I probably shouldn’t act like my usual jackass self but outside of this type of circumstance, I decided I would always try to be myself in a professional, social, and personal situation.
We have been trained since law school to fit a round peg into a square hole-completely opposite of everything we learned in kindergarden and Fisher Price. We were told that if you could do that, then you were a good lawyer. But aren’t you tired of always trying to conform to square holes?
With all the pressure we are under to bill and perform, couldn’t we at least still be ourselves? Just a little?
–F BigLaw’s square hole (heheh, that sounds naughty)
*Posted April 12, 2009
Related posts:
“douches” is not a term we use enough.