Sharing Is Not Caring – Keeping Things to Yourself

by hiringpartner on April 2, 2010

This week I wanted to cover TMI – too much information.

In any workplace, and especially in Big Law, there is a line between keeping people (colleagues, clients, etc) informed about where you are and not sharing too much information.

After the jump, HP provides just enough information – and plenty of examples.





A classic example of too much information is an associate I worked with some years back.

We will call her Elise.  Elise was a fairly senior associate.  I am not sure what was going on with Elise, but she became very lazy.  Elise showed up late, had a variety of reasons why she needed to leave early, etc.

But one of the best – when she wasn’t showing up at an important meeting – was when she told a senior male partner that she couldn’t attend because she had diarrhea!  Yes, she did.  Now, a simple, “I am not feeling well,” or “I have a stomach bug” (if you really want to be specific though I think it is too much sharing) would have been sufficient.

Quickly this tale got around the office.

Are you cringing?  Because we were.

Sometimes we have family commitments and want or need to be out of the office.  Like when little Johnny, your 6 year old and his class, are going to the pumpkin patch in October for a field trip and you promised Johnny you would attend.

Should you send an email to your supervisors/partners indicating you are going to the pumpkin patch?  NO, bad idea.

I am not saying to straight out lie, but let people know you have a commitment outside of your office, or an appointment etc.,  I really do not think heavy duty specifics are necessary and for those people who will be annoyed you are taking time away from their “important” work for finding pumpkins and fall apples, why give them ammunition?  Similarly if you are waiting on the plumber to unclog the toilet, we don’t need to know that.  Just indicate you are waiting on a service provider, and will be checking e-mails and are available.

Now, these situations are to be distinguished from, say, a serious health issue where you need to be out of the office or you have a seriously ill family member, or a funeral or wake to attend.  I think in those circumstances, it is ok to say, for example, you are attending a memorial service and you expect to be in at 1pm.

Moving on to TMI topics to stay away from – well, of course, bodily fluids such as Ms. Diarrhea would be one.

Also, use that standard advice that politics and religion are best avoided.  You don’t know others’ views and you would not want to offend.  I know I mentioned on Hiring Partner’s Office a client I’ve done work for where the GC is very religious.  Now, I happen to know this because I am close with this GC.  But various people working on the GC’s matters wouldn’t know this.  So sharing information about heavy drinking, even living with someone, might catch her attention in the wrong way.

Why go there?  There are plenty of other things to discuss that do not require you to share your personal information.

Thus, please spare your Hiring Partner, your colleagues, and clients, information about your aches and pains (real or fake), hot (or lukewarm) social life, and of course any information about other clients.  TMI is just inappropriate, and again, makes people question your judgment.

In this age of layoffs, salary cuts, etc., why give anyone ammunition.

Be prudent, be careful, and if necessary, just be silent.

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  • ProfRapport

    Some of this strikes me wrong.

    I'm gay, so if I'm working with partners who are religious like your GC friend, do I hide the photo of my partner and family that sits on my desk? It is one thing to keep up a general level of professionalism, but it takes it too far to suggest catering to the bigotry of others (including, yes, hiding the fact that you "live with someone" from the religious GC).

    Perhaps your firm has a different culture than mine, but I have also found that talking about my family or mundane personal details with associates and even partners – the trip to pumpkin patch, what happened last night on American Idol, my excitement about July vacation at a lake house – do not cause others to be annoyed or shut down, but instead cause them to open up as well, creating a rapport and a human connection that makes us better and more comfortable at our jobs and at working as a team.

    • jdsteve

      Oh man just shut up and get back to work, everybody is sick of hearing these comments

  • ProfRapport

    Some of this strikes me wrong.

    I'm gay, so if I'm working with partners who are religious like your GC friend, do I hide the photo of my partner and family that sits on my desk? It is one thing to keep up a general level of professionalism, but it takes it too far to suggest catering to the bigotry of others (including, yes, hiding the fact that you "live with someone" from the religious GC).

    Perhaps your firm has a different culture than mine, but I have also found that talking about my family or mundane personal details with associates and even partners – the trip to pumpkin patch, what happened last night on American Idol, my excitement about July vacation at a lake house – do not cause others to be annoyed or shut down, but instead cause them to open up as well, creating a rapport and a human connection that makes us better and more comfortable at our jobs and at working as a team.

    • jdsteve

      Oh man just shut up and get back to work, everybody is sick of hearing these comments

  • Jim

    This is, in my opinion, the worst thing about law firms. In school we had a guy who had been sucecssful in biglaw and left to start his own shop, which was very successful. To my surprise, the number one gripe he had with Biglaw wasn't hours (he still worked hard) or other demands, it was that "you aren't allowed to be a person there. Personality is frowned upon. After a couple of years any kind of fun or uniqueness is bleached out of you, and you become a robot." That's been pretty much confirmed by my observation. In other big companies, people feel free to have interests and beliefs, and to talk about what they did on the weekend. I understand that we all have to work hard in law. But would it really be so bad if we were allowed to be sort of normal people at the same time?

  • Jim

    This is, in my opinion, the worst thing about law firms. In school we had a guy who had been sucecssful in biglaw and left to start his own shop, which was very successful. To my surprise, the number one gripe he had with Biglaw wasn't hours (he still worked hard) or other demands, it was that "you aren't allowed to be a person there. Personality is frowned upon. After a couple of years any kind of fun or uniqueness is bleached out of you, and you become a robot." That's been pretty much confirmed by my observation. In other big companies, people feel free to have interests and beliefs, and to talk about what they did on the weekend. I understand that we all have to work hard in law. But would it really be so bad if we were allowed to be sort of normal people at the same time?

  • laidoffdiary

    This reminds me of the quote from that infamous goodbye email that associates (and probably partners) cheered on (either secretly or publicly) from a Paul Hasting's associate back in 2004:

    ""I wish you continued success in your goals to turn vibrant, productive, dedicated associates into an aimless, shambling group of dry, lifeless husks.""

  • laidoffdiary

    This reminds me of the quote from that infamous goodbye email that associates (and probably partners) cheered on (either secretly or publicly) from a Paul Hasting's associate back in 2004:

    ""I wish you continued success in your goals to turn vibrant, productive, dedicated associates into an aimless, shambling group of dry, lifeless husks.""

  • JDSmartyPants

    Hiring partner is a heartless vampire.

  • JDSmartyPants

    Hiring partner is a heartless vampire.

  • johnshade

    If not wanting to hear about someone else's diarrhea makes you a heartless vampire, then count me in. This is about boundaries, really, and the principles are much the same as apply to other social interactions. HP isn't saying that you won't form specific relationships with specific attorneys and staff — i.e., people — in which all the things you would talk to a friend about will come up. (Though even from my closest friend I'm not sure I want to hear about diarrhea.) You will form these friendships, unless you're very unlucky or antisocial (and if you're the latter, you don’t care about this discussion anyway), and you should. The problem arises if you assume as a default that EVERYBODY is your friend. This isn't a good idea anywhere that I've ever been, but it's especially not a good idea at a big law firm, as HP has been at pains to point out.

    ProfRapport, your first paragraph raises a different point, and one I'm inclined to agree with you about. I certainly wouldn't advocate hiding the picture of your partner and family. If the religious GC comes into your office for a meeting and she reacts badly, tough tiddlywinks for her. Thought experiment, though. Suppose you (or I) were the GC and she were the associate and — a propos of nothing — she started talking about the wonderful prayer meeting she had been to the other night, and it became clear to you that she was a religious conservative — not a Wesley Phelps type, just a run-of-the-mill person of southern Baptist upbringing who might be opposed to gay marriage. But she is also a perfectly fine lawyer who has always done good work on your matters. How would you (or I) react?

  • johnshade

    If not wanting to hear about someone else's diarrhea makes you a heartless vampire, then count me in. This is about boundaries, really, and the principles are much the same as apply to other social interactions. HP isn't saying that you won't form specific relationships with specific attorneys and staff — i.e., people — in which all the things you would talk to a friend about will come up. (Though even from my closest friend I'm not sure I want to hear about diarrhea.) You will form these friendships, unless you're very unlucky or antisocial (and if you're the latter, you don’t care about this discussion anyway), and you should. The problem arises if you assume as a default that EVERYBODY is your friend. This isn't a good idea anywhere that I've ever been, but it's especially not a good idea at a big law firm, as HP has been at pains to point out.

    ProfRapport, your first paragraph raises a different point, and one I'm inclined to agree with you about. I certainly wouldn't advocate hiding the picture of your partner and family. If the religious GC comes into your office for a meeting and she reacts badly, tough tiddlywinks for her. Thought experiment, though. Suppose you (or I) were the GC and she were the associate and — a propos of nothing — she started talking about the wonderful prayer meeting she had been to the other night, and it became clear to you that she was a religious conservative — not a Wesley Phelps type, just a run-of-the-mill person of southern Baptist upbringing who might be opposed to gay marriage. But she is also a perfectly fine lawyer who has always done good work on your matters. How would you (or I) react?

  • BigLawDespairsMe

    At my firm the "I have an appointment" line wouldn't work. I literally had a conversation like this once as a first year: Me — "I'm really sorry, that call time won't work for me, I have something I can't reschedule." Partner — "Oh – are you sure, what else are you doing?" Me — "Its an appointment I've already rescheduled twice so I have to keep it." Partner — "Oh, well what is it?" Me — "Umm, well its a doctor appointment." Partner — "And its one you can't reschedule?" Me — "No." What I wanted to say? "Actually its a OB/GYN appointment I've cancelled twice and I need to get new birth control pills because I've run out and I don't want my husband to impregnate me because then I'll get stealth fired from your shitty firm.

  • BigLawDespairsMe

    At my firm the "I have an appointment" line wouldn't work. I literally had a conversation like this once as a first year: Me — "I'm really sorry, that call time won't work for me, I have something I can't reschedule." Partner — "Oh – are you sure, what else are you doing?" Me — "Its an appointment I've already rescheduled twice so I have to keep it." Partner — "Oh, well what is it?" Me — "Umm, well its a doctor appointment." Partner — "And its one you can't reschedule?" Me — "No." What I wanted to say? "Actually its a OB/GYN appointment I've cancelled twice and I need to get new birth control pills because I've run out and I don't want my husband to impregnate me because then I'll get stealth fired from your shitty firm.

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